Nothing matters. I don’t matter. Whatever I do don’t matter.
This is the worst month I’ve had so far in 2014.
Breaking everything by accident.
All these efforts of trying to fix things but can’t.
Trying to act like I’m okay when I’m not.
Being sick but holding it in.
Trying to make others happy when I feel like shit.
I don’t matter.
I really don’t matter to anyone.
Nothing matters. I don’t matter. Whatever I do don’t matter.
I need an antidote to cure my broken soul.
I’m just so tired of crying everyday and feeling ugly.
Today was a horrible day.
I woke up early so I’ll be able to make it to work on time..and ended up with a flat tire because I hit the curb really hard.
It’s costing me over a thousands of dollars, and on top of that..I come to work and spilled coffee all over my keyboard.
Can this day get any worse?
I’ve been so down lately.
I’ve been sensitive to everything.
I just feel alone and I hate this life I live in at the moment.
I barely get to see the sun. I barely get to see anything that life has to offer.
I’m stuck in the same office everyday.
I hate this routine life and I hate feeling so disconnected.
I don’t know what to do with myself.
I feel ugly and I feel hopeless.
And I feel like whatever I do for anyone, its never enough.
All I want to do is smile.
I’m tired of crying and I’m tired of feeling worthless.
Everyone been making me feel as if I’m nothing for these past few days.
I’m tired of everything and everyone around me.
I just want to disappear.
It seems the weather these days are really bipolar.
One moment its cold, the next its hot, then there is ice, then there is the sun shining brightly through the sky.
My life has been a bit more colorful since my parents came back but of course, the argument starts to rise again. Maybe I am in the wrong. Maybe I am stubborn. Maybe I hate listening. Maybe it’s just me. I feel apologetic towards my mother, but it seems I just have a short fuse with them every time they start to point out how I’m a sloth. I’m not a sloth. I work 5 times a week, and I’m not allowed to even have a 3 day weekend? My parents are OCD. I mean extremely and they would yell at me for anything they find on the floor or not properly stacked up into a corner. I hate it.
I don’t know. I shouldn’t fight with her, after all.. she is sick.
This weekend was probably one of the worst in awhile.
I don’t even know how to begin.
I got in a fight with her. Maybe it was my fault, and partly it was but I couldn’t believe how she left me stranded in middle of nowhere. I was so angry at her and with myself for even holding all the patience in. The final straw was when she just angrily embarrassed me in front of a cashier and one of the customer over a yo-mega toy.
It’s just a toy.
I took her out that day too, to make it up to her. I even dealt with her silence and her anger, and the fact she just wanted to run off and hurt herself.. I held her back. But cause of that last straw…I left her car and walked off.
"Not everyone is fucking unfortunate enough to get what they fucking want.." or something belong those lines. All i told her was "Hey I used to have one of those toys back in the 90’s, they are really cool" and thats when she screamed at me with those words. Real mature. Its like I can’t even point out things or reminisces the past because it makes her angry cause she feel as if she was unfortunate. She feel as if she lived a hard life. Well everyone has, and she needs to grow up from that. She said her father abused her, so did my dad but I don’t bring it up and make excuses for my action. She said she was poor, but she lives in a nice safe neighborhood in a two-story house. She says her parents don’t care about her or they never get her shit, but they paid half of her car and recently bought her an iPad air. Seriously, what is so wrong with your life for you to be jealous or envious of someone else? Real mature.
I ran off and she sped off home. I couldn’t believe she just left me like that. I did walk out of the car but shouldn’t she have been concerned and realized she has pushed my limit? Shouldn’t she apologetic? No. She wasn’t. She just sped off and left me behind and I had to walk home. 10 miles away. I even called her to pick me up by the time it got dark. I was only half way, and it was cold..and my legs were giving up on me. All she said was, “No. Im not coming to get you.” She didn’t give two shits about what was to happen to me and left me there stranded. Thankfully I had a friend who came to get me. After all that experience, I realized how I didn’t need to make excuses for her anymore. How I didn’t need to deal with this bullshit. How I don’t need to believe her words anymore. Saying how her friends and families think I’m the immature one and that she isn’t. Maybe because they haven’t seen the other sides of her. Maybe because they don’t see these moments that she pulls on me.
She goes off about how she going to die and if she was to, everyone will blame me and everyone will hate me. She threatened me with her life. I don’t get it how she is ‘mature’ for even doing something like that. Not like I would tell anyone because I’m not the type of person to talk about what goes on between us. I had a good day though because my two friends made up for it. I went to the movies and rode on my first segway.
She then tells me how she going to die. It was for attention because hours later after not responding, she tells me she wants to see me. I wasn’t going to run back to her like I did in the past. I wasn’t going to put her first this time. No. Not this time because what she did was wrong. She was childish and there was no way I was going to let her let me put my pride down and feel ‘sorry’ for her because she wants to hurt herself when she has hurt me too.
We both went through a lot of good times and the bad but ever since I had given her the silence.. i started to realize that maybe its time I get out of this once and for all. I don’t want to waste my time and money on someone who made me feel unsafe and abandoned me on the highway. Never in my life could I ever leave a girl in the cold dark. It just doesn’t seem right. Her excuse was that she went home after she left me and she overdosed, thats why she couldn’t come get me. She didn’t even apologized but kept trying to justify her action was ‘okay’ because she tried to hurt herself. Really? If you cared about my life and my safety, like any normal human being.. I’m pretty sure they would of went back or even looked for me. Im the last thing they would think about is themselves.
She wants me to be patient and wants me to realize people make mistakes. I gave her many chances for her mistakes and I was patient. I just never had someone who abandon me like that, and I think its traumatizing because it makes me realize, I would never be safe with someone like her. Whenever she gets angry, she can just throw me out in the middle of nowhere..and get me killed. I wouldn’t even forget the time where she yelled at me to get out of the car because she was mad about something so dumb, and told me I can walk back to work. So selfish. I only had 5 minutes to get back to work in time from my break, but she wanted me to walk back alone and get in trouble for my late arrival..because she is ‘mad.’ She even rather put my job and life in jeopardy cause of her anger.
You made my heart cold. I don’t think I can look at you the same way again. I felt like you were someone I could trust my life with but now.. you ruined that. You made me feel so incredibly… low. I felt like trash for what you did. And yet, you want me to look past this? Just because you look past my mistakes in the past? The difference is, I would have never abandoned you. I don’t care what other mistakes you make..but when it comes to your life and safety..I would NEVER put it in danger.
Am I wrong for feeling this way? I’m not going to let this pass easily. I will always care about you but my views of you has changed. I don’t know if I want to stay with you anymore.
It was the way you looked at me.
Perhaps, it was the way you touched me.
Or maybe, it was the way you fought for me months after months
repeating how we are meant to be..
and how those words engraved into my mind that I soon start to believe it as well.
Somehow, it made me fall in love with you.
In love with all your flaws and your abusive words.
I have my moments where you come rushing through my mind.
Just like a season though, it comes and goes.
I’ll forget you again.
I loved others after you. Maybe it wasn’t the same kind of love that we had, but they did love me better. Too bad it was always me who couldn’t complete this heart. This hole just never seems to fill.
Then there was this one girl.
She’s not you, of course not but that was the point.
She wasn’t you and she made me happy.
She listens to me talk for countless of hours. She remembers my habits and my favorite color. She only speaks to me softly, never harshly as others. She tries to understand me even when I’m in the wrong. She never raised her voice when I made mistakes. She never made me feel insecure and only spoke words that melted my icy heart. On top of that, she is my best friend. A real one. She stuck by me even after every horrible thing I’ve done. I guess thats how you know its unconditional love.
Why is that I’m not important to you? Why did you treat me so horribly? Why couldn’t you have spared my heart and all the bullshit of tormenting me? Even after all the lies, I still stuck by you. Don’t you remember? Even when you cheated and slept with him, I took you back. I forgave you because I loved you and I couldn’t imagine my life without you. Then you insisted we be together again and just like thousands of other times, I accepted you back in like a fool. It was your final act, your final play, and you left like I was nothing. I even hoped you would call me and kept me as your friend. I hoped that at least I meant something to you. That I was your best friend, not just a lover. At least just that.
But I wasn’t. I was trash to you.
It’s funny how I can wake up one day without you when we had spoken to each other everyday for 2 1/2 years. I was nothing to you. Even till now, you still make jokes that hurts me. Your careless hurtful words.
I’ve hurt many people after you. I broke them down and I broke myself down.
Even till now, when you call me or send me a text, it sends a chill down my heart and I can feel my pain again. I will never accept you back into my life. I will never. I gave so many chances and I waited for too long. So lets just leave it like this. Strangers. After all we have been for these past four years. It was during this very month.. we fell apart.
I’m envious how you can love again. How you can be happy again and be madly in love. I’m envious because I only happen to be good at destroying the good things in my life. Even that one particular girl I only love…
I destroyed that myself and I’m the one to be blamed. I’m not even strong enough to fight for anyone anymore. All I do is cry myself to sleep..fearing she will find someone else to love..thats not me. Even though she’s not mine, that still my biggest fear and my greatest pain.
To lose her, like how I lost you.