Emptiness. My heart is just so empty but at least its content. It’s not running wild, getting in danger, and it’s definitely not going to get hurt. I’m keeping it cage inside my chest, protecting it like I should have for all the years that I didn’t.
I still speak to her, she decided not to cut me off. We have short conversations daily but I know its not like how it used to be. Her voice still makes me happy and sad. What a complex emotion I have. A part of me is always nauseated when we speak because I get so nervous that I may say the wrongs thing and she would disappear on me again. I don’t want to lose her and I’ve always been afraid that I would. She always has been and will be that light shines from far distance. The light that I can’t grasp because I have no hope or feel worthy enough to try anymore. I don’t know if I can love again. I feel as if though she would be my last. I don’t feel like I could romantically give up my heart to anyone anymore. I still look at our pictures and remember the moments of how I felt when I’m with her. Then next second, I quickly wrap up my feelings and snap back to cold reality. I don’t let myself read her handwritten letters to me anymore. It hurts and I cry every time I do. It hurts because the love we had is what I’ve always wanted. She filled me up mentally. She filled up my emptiness every time we were together. She filled up a part of my soul that didn’t think could be touched. Then I remember how she told me she doesn’t love me the way she thought she did. I remember how she said she was in love with her best friend. I remember how she mentions that in the end she will be with a boy. It just she hasn’t found the right one. With this reminder, I separate my feelings from me. I push it because it can never happen. Nothing will ever happen. We are miles away and her love is meant for someone else. Me? I’m just trying to find ways to fill up this void. I’m just trying to get by. I really hate my emotions. I wish I never knew what love was. I feel as if I was born to be miserable. I don’t want these emotions. What do I do with them? I just miss her and love her in ways I can’t express, and am not allowed to express. I want these feelings to disappear. Just disappear.
My biggest fear as a child was “growing up,” and yes.. growing up is such a fearful thing.