It’s not that I don’t love you anymore, nor the fact I hate you.
It just every time you call me or I hear your voice my heart aches.
Every part of me aches and shatters.
Seeing your name pop on my caller id always had my heart stop.
Why? I want to know why is it only you who makes me feel this way.
Half a decade has gone by.
I should of healed by now.
I should not be in pain every time I hear you or see you.
It should of all stopped by now.
Thats why I just wish not to hear from you anymore.
I just don’t want to see you anymore.
I don’t want to be reminded of us.
I woke up with a heart ache today.
Why is my heart hurting?
I don’t know why its breaking.
I don’t even know what happiness is.
I’ve only become more content with the casual things that goes on everyday.
I wish I had the answers in front of me, but I feel as if the only way I can make everything go away is breaking away free.
I just want to break free.
But what do I do?
Where do I begin?
Do I leave Houston without a word?
Do I walk away from this life I have now?
I just need to feed this wanderlust somehow.
I guess nothing really matters to you anymore.
I still cherish you and consider you as someone who is the closest to me, to you its not the same.
There are many things that make me think of you. I put every thought and love into everything I did for you. I still did. Every holiday, every birthday, every non special days too.
You’re too busy for me now. Maybe you’ll be too good for me now too.
Apparently you shut everyone out thinking they are not someone you consider that is valuable for your time. So who is? Only those who are valuable to you…who are they? Maybe you’re not so different from those you speak of.
Nothing matters. I don’t matter. Whatever I do don’t matter.
This is the worst month I’ve had so far in 2014.
Breaking everything by accident.
All these efforts of trying to fix things but can’t.
Trying to act like I’m okay when I’m not.
Being sick but holding it in.
Trying to make others happy when I feel like shit.
I don’t matter.
I really don’t matter to anyone.
I need an antidote to cure my broken soul.
I’m just so tired of crying everyday and feeling ugly.
Today was a horrible day.
I woke up early so I’ll be able to make it to work on time..and ended up with a flat tire because I hit the curb really hard.
It’s costing me over a thousands of dollars, and on top of that..I come to work and spilled coffee all over my keyboard.
Can this day get any worse?
I’ve been so down lately.
I’ve been sensitive to everything.
I just feel alone and I hate this life I live in at the moment.
I barely get to see the sun. I barely get to see anything that life has to offer.
I’m stuck in the same office everyday.
I hate this routine life and I hate feeling so disconnected.
I don’t know what to do with myself.
I feel ugly and I feel hopeless.
And I feel like whatever I do for anyone, its never enough.
All I want to do is smile.
I’m tired of crying and I’m tired of feeling worthless.
Everyone been making me feel as if I’m nothing for these past few days.
I’m tired of everything and everyone around me.
I just want to disappear.
It seems the weather these days are really bipolar.
One moment its cold, the next its hot, then there is ice, then there is the sun shining brightly through the sky.
My life has been a bit more colorful since my parents came back but of course, the argument starts to rise again. Maybe I am in the wrong. Maybe I am stubborn. Maybe I hate listening. Maybe it’s just me. I feel apologetic towards my mother, but it seems I just have a short fuse with them every time they start to point out how I’m a sloth. I’m not a sloth. I work 5 times a week, and I’m not allowed to even have a 3 day weekend? My parents are OCD. I mean extremely and they would yell at me for anything they find on the floor or not properly stacked up into a corner. I hate it.
I don’t know. I shouldn’t fight with her, after all.. she is sick.